You might have to brush your teeth twice.

My friend makes the best tzatziki I have ever tasted and considering the success I have had recently with having people divulge their secret recipes, I tried for one more. And won.

I will now share the joy with you.

You will cheesecloth. It took me approximately 17 minutes to find it in the grocery store (like many of the male gender that I know, I don't ask for directions.) You'll also need a garlic press. Honestly, I don't know why you don't own one already.

Other than that you'll need 5 cloves of garlic (or less, if you're a pansy,) extra virgin olive oil, sea salt, half an English cucumber and plain yogurt (Mediterranean styles.)

First you will line a colander (or sieve, if that's what you call it) with cheesecloth and place it over a bowl. Pour the yogurt on top of the cheesecloth and let it sit for about an hour (I left it for 2 hours and it was still dripping) so as to get rid of all the water in the yogurt.

I was really surprised by how much water came out. After an hour the bowl looked like such:

And it was double that in double the time.

When you are satisfied, pour the yogurt into a bowl (or a container that you'll store it in when it's all finished.) Grate the cucumber and add it to the yogurt, but try and avoid adding the water from the cucumber into the yogurt or the entire straining process is basically useless.

It may look like a lot of cucumber but it's really not. Once it's all mixed in you don't even see any green.

Add the oil and salt and mix it well.












Then, crush the garlic til you can't crush it no more.



And then mix it all over again, make sure there aren't any chunks of garlic stuck together (unless you're into that sorta thing.)

Some people like to let it sit in the fridge for awhile but who could really resist enjoying it right away??



Yes, please.

He said you gave him a cavity.

Being one who likes to spoil (read: increase the chances of obesity) the masses with baked goods, I often bring things into my coworkers. My team alone has 20 people, and with an office of around 200 already hyper yet constantly sugar-hungry individuals I can never bring just one batch of anything. Screaming matches have ensued. Between grown adults.

I digress. Last week I brought in the best brownies in the world. They are my mom's secret recipe and it took me 24 years to con it out of her. Worth the wait. So rich that it takes a big (wo)man to handle more than one.



Oh mama. I brought in 60+ brownies and they were gone within 20 minutes.

I have to mention that there was a slight accident during the baking process. As I was lifting the second batch out of the pan there was a rupture. Oops. The casualties:



The 'accident' looks somehow even more delicious than the finished product.

I also made some jumbotastic cookies. Mini-chocolate chips + Skor bites = love.

It takes a lot, a LOT of self-control to not just go at this bowl with a spoon.

Alas, they made it to the end.



Someone asked me why I bother to bake for coworkers. Once I had delivered the goods to my team members I pointed out the smiling faces to said individual and said, "SEE!! They hate their lives when they're at work but if I can do one thing to make them smile and not commit suicide in front of me I WILL." I think he got the point.

Fromagerie.

Oh God, fresh baguettes. Nothing is better. NOTHING.



I have French bakeries both behind and in front of my apartment building so you can imagine how often I buy baguettes. Often. But one fine day I decided to throw a few things together and make one of the best little lunches I've ever had. (So good that the ingredients are in my fridge right now and awaiting consumption.)

So, cut open your baguette(s) and lay as much as you want of them open side up on a cookie sheet.



Gruyère. Grate as much as you see fit. There is never enough.



Then, leeks. Leeks are underrated by most and forgotten by many. Even half the cashiers at groceries stores have no idea what they are. You should start incorporating leeks into your life right now.

First, chop up and sauté the leeks in butter (or oil, if you roll that way- though I don't understand it) until they are soft. Add salt and pepper. Then let them cool in the bowl while you cut up the other ingredients.



Parsley and onion. You could use shallots or a different kind of onion, I just threw it what I like.
Once the leeks are cool, fold in the onions and parsley and then the cheese until it's all one big bowl of love.

Pile it onto the bread. Broil in the oven for a few minutes, as soon as it reaches the melted/golden/browned point that you desire.

And then... ugh just eat it all.



I'll be in the kitchen.

Shhhhhhoufflés

Intimidation is putting it lightly. I had this idea that making soufflé would just result in ramekins full of fallen hopes. I was wrong. As usual. To up my challenge I made my first soufflés with a 'advanced' recipe (according to Curtis Stone's opinion.)

According to my mother, it's all in the folding of the egg whites. Before I could even get to that, I had to get those egg whites to form 'stiff peaks'. That's not a sexual innuendo. Soft peak, stiff peak, I just want it to look like Julia Child did it herself. This is something that takes patience. Even with my magical best friend mixer (thanks, Kitchenaid) it took a lot longer than I expected. Eventually I got this result:



And that was good enough for me.

The concept of folding egg whites so just enough air gets in also scared the bejesus out of me. What if I folded too much? Or not enough? Baking is science. I never said I was a scientist.
Regardless, I forged on and the result was magical. Prior to making any of the actual soufflé, Curtis Stone instructed me to do all sorts of things. Like make a raspberry sauce that resulted in 2 cups of deliciousness but you only really need like 4 tablespoons to paint the inside of the ramekins. The bastard.

After pouring the batter in and putting them in the oven, I thought I had enough time to start cleaning up. Again, Curtis was pulling one over on me.



Not only had they risen, but the tops were already beyond golden and I was about to rip them out of the oven until the nightmares of the beauties smashing down came back to me. That didn't happen. I wasn't even gentle. I pulled them out and served them right away... I wish I had taken a picture of the inside. They were absolutely perfect. I would eat soufflé every day if I didn't have to deal with stiff peaks.



Why so fancy?

Sweet Cheek Baboushka

As much as I love baking, I don't usually eat much of what I create. I like to taste everything, but if I have more than one brownie or cupcake I feel a like exploding all over the place because I've been staring at the damn things from when they were ingredients to their final result. UNLESS we're talking about Russian Tea Cakes. I could eat 10 of them in one sitting (and then inevitably want to die) because they are just so damn amazing.

I'd only ever had them as a Christmas tradition thanks to a friend's mom, but this year decided to attempt the little Russian balls myself. It worked. And I found myself with yet another unhealthy addiction.



The trick is that you roll them around in confectioner's sugar right off the cookie sheet (goodbye fingertips) and the sugar melts into a glaze of killer sweetness, and then once their completely cooled you roll them around a second time just to ensure that everyone who indulges will suffer a coronary. The first time I made them with macadamia nuts ($$$$) but I've also used almonds and walnuts and of course they are just as delicious. The recipe is insanely simple (and can be found in most cookie recipe books or anywhere online) and they only bake for 7-8 mins.

As for something else I enjoy, sugar cookies.




I like them plain and without icing but certain people desire the extra blob of frosting on top. I concede to the masses.



I don't know why I decided to use cookie cutters for these ones, but I regretted it immediately. Other than the cute little stars it seems pretty lame making heart and flower-shaped cookies when they're for people in their mid-20s. I think next time I will stick with the simple round shape and the masses can deal with their disappointment by shoving another cookie in.

Cheese(cuppy)cakes

Cookies & cream is a pretty much irresistible flavour. Cheesecake is also irresistible. So are Oreos. See what I'm getting at? You put them all together and get cupcakes so delicious you just want to smash them into your face.

So when I took these out of the oven I was a little confuzzled as to why they looked a little odd.



I never said I was good in the kitchen. Regardless, they obviously have to sit for awhile in the fridge before they take on the heavenly consistency of cheesecake.

I brought these in to work for one reason or another (probably to avoid calling in sick and just laying in bed all day eating them and watching Generation Kill again) and it was if those people had never seen food before. People were coming to my desk and e-mailing me all day asking me to make more. Because... just when you think you've had so much magic in your mouth you just can't take it anymore...



There's a motherfucking Oreo cookie at the bottom!



Oh, sweet baby Jesus. Martha Stewart- 1, the world's desire to lower their caloric intake- 0.

Fist pump.

Some days you just want a huge bowl of pasta and meatballs. I'll never pretend to make sauce nearly as well as either of my Nonnas, but I tried to make an effort.

Let us discuss garlic. Or rather, let me just say how much I enjoy it. I feel like it's underrated by our generation and this makes me sad. Everyone should eat garlic every day. Seriously.



C'monnnnn... how could you not want to just throw that in your mouth?

I digress... and move on to another love. Cheese.



My issues with lactose intolerance aside, I love cheese. There are 4 different kids of over-priced magnificent cheeses in my fridge right now. Cheese is good.



MMMMMMMEATBALLS. Some people don't like handling raw meat. I don't have this issue. (Well maybe a little with chicken breasts, I don't know, they creep me out.) But I love smashing together some meat and deliciousness and then dropping them into some sauce to simmer away for awhile.

Voilà.


Farfalle with meat sauce and spinach. I threw in the spinach at the last minute because for some reason I felt that a small intake of vegetables was probably a good idea. Out of character, but it happens.

It was tasty... but I'm not ready to serve it to my grandmother.

Red Velvets...

White vinegar and baking soda never tasted so good. Even though I may not understand the reason this chemical reaction is pertinent to the success of these delicious red bastards, I will never question Martha Stewart.








The cream cheese icing really makes them all that much more amazing. People that cover theirs in plain white-sugar-crap icing (I'm looking at you, Starbucks) are wasting your time.





Unf.